September 24, 2017  by

Kentucky…

As much as I’d like to have an entertaining story about the state of Kentucky, I don’t. I do, however have a fun little story about a guy I briefly dated that was from this cob web little town in Kentucky. I liked calling him Kentucky, so that’s what we will refer to him as….Kentucky!

My dating has been a bit limited. At 33, I’ve had 2 relationships.One traditional and one not so traditional. I’ve been on a plethora of one hit wonders ( hit being date. As we all know, I just can’t have one night stands) that never turn into anything which isn’t necessarily bad. As I get older, I’ve noticed that I’m more particular about certain things and more knowledgeable and unyielding about the things I want.

I met Kentucky on one of these dating apps. He was slightly below average in the looks department but had this southern charm that tickled my East coast bitchy fancy. He opened doors, allowed for ladies to walk ahead, he walked on the street side, offered whatever clothing if I was chilled, and always payed for dates. I do love a gentleman. We went on a first date had a great time but I kept thinking how funny it is that we’re complete opposites. There was a second date where I thought he for sure liked me or why else would he ask me out again. Being the openminded adventurous girl I am, I need somone that can keep up yet always making me their point of interest. We went to a strip club, which is one of my abslutely favorite places. Now, don’t judge…It’s people watching at its finest. I do enjoy getting stoned and watching seduction unfold even if it’s for a dollar.

We went to a strip club, although he looked around, he never made me feel like I wasn’t his focus. We chatted about quite a bit though surrounded by jiggling breasts and girls trying to pay their rent, tuition, daycare, next tattoo…whatever. Surprisingly, through uncommon grounds we meshed well together. Turned out, I was beginning to like him. No sex yet of course, I needed to be sure I was digging him and that my chlamydia cleared. Hey now, stop right there…don’t judge. My STD was completely asymptomatic (no symptoms! not an itch, a scratch, a smell, a discharge, irregular spotting….NOTHING! Besides, it’s significantly more common than people realize becuase of the possibility that it can be asymptomatic. Anyway, a gram for the clam ( a gram of a chosen antibiotic as a one time dose and then a repeat test is how my experience was treated) as us medical personnel playfully address this little mishap.

Kentucky and I were digging each other and date #3 solidified that. I need to mention that up until date #3, we hadn’t so much as held hands. I know I know….. but that’s what’s so awesome about a connection. You feel it, anticipation grows as does desire. Date #3 he suggested we spend the night at the Stanley Hotel in Estes Park, Colorado. Aweseome! We enjoyed a hike through the Rocky Mountain National Park, freshened up at the cool cabin we ended up getting which was equipped with a hot facing the Rockies and the big full moon we had that night.

We called for a driver that ended up being dangerously old. Now, I have no issues with older people driving until it seems like you have dementia, cannot hear anything, are speaking nonsensically, and then are violating traffic laws such as going the wrong way. Yes, our 80 yr old driver did exactly that and was completely confused why we both jumped out as soon as we could. We had dinner at the Stanly and befriended this couple sitting next to us. We were really hitting it off or at least it seemed to be that way with 3 rounds of drinks in us. The girl began sharing details about their relationship. I slapped Kentucky’s knee letting him know this was now getting good. Basically the girl, in a very subtle manner described how she is adventurous in bed yet he wasn’t. That was beginning to annoy her and cause some intimate issues. Well, being the adventurer that I am, I figured, how fun it would be that couple came to our hot tub and hung out. Afterall, the conversation was entertaining and we were all having a great time.

They talked it over and agreed to come by. We all hopped in the tub and continued to drink…because we all know that’s how great stories happen. We’re conversing and the girl seemed to be flirting with me. Now, things fly right over hairy head at times just like this time. I mean, she wasn’t ugly and I’m always flattered when a lady likes this hour glass full of bitchiness. So, homegirl got naked at the protest of no one. Husband clearly is a missionary only type because he wasn’t appreciating her curves. In fact, he was avoiding the sight as if there was going to be disciplinary action if he took too long of a gaze. Definitely a weird dynamic for these newly weds. You know how it goes though, as soon as one person is naked everyone else needs to get naked as well in solidarity. So of course Kentucky and I did yet, hubby over there was trying to hide his boner under his ugly shorts. Man! what a sexually awkward guy no wonder his wife is now pawing at me. She’s caressing my hair, complimenting my complexion, complimenting my body, and now massaging my breasts which always feels awesome. As I’m sure you see it coming, her and I start making out. Her double D’s were natural which always feel fun when giving a lite squeeze. She had a great curvy body, great breasts, a great kisser surprisingly enough since most women I’ve made out with fail to deliver a tiny bit of aggression or better yet, a tiny bit of want/heat/desire that some men are pretty good at.

Kentucky and I also began making out and yet that newly wed couple just sat there and stared. The awkward husband like a boy in trouble and the girl eager to go town!! Overall a pretty interesting dynamic that had Kentucky and I wondering how long that marriage would actually last. Shortly after the husband left the hot tub, wife followed moments later and then guess what….yes, they had to leave because ” it was getting late”. Uh huh! I’m sure husband was so uncomfortable with the fun that he’d rather go home and jerk off over the toilet in private. Jeez! The girl gives me her number yet when i texted a day later, I received a response that it was the wrong number. Funny! Anyway, Kentucky and I were entertained by it all. He remained a gentleman the entire time in bed and racked up bonus points for being an amazing cuddler. We made jokes, reviewed the night, and had lite pillow talk, then fell asleep. I’d say it was a great date which fueled my fire for that little southern charmer.

in Dating / Debauchery 0 comments
September 23, 2017  by

Oranjestad, Aruba

I needed a bit of fun in the sun after a blistering cold winter in the North East. I chose to head to Aruba considering it was relatively inexpensive, a short 4 hour flight, and a great reputation for being a beautiful island. Still on my spirituality trek ( haven’t told you about that just yet bear with me), I decided that Aruba would be a meditative and relaxing trip for me.

The muggy heat hit me like a punch to the face. It felt like breathing through a hot wet towel! Paradise!! Man, I couldn’t wait to slap on my sexy one piece suit (yes that’s right, a one piece! Bikinis are over rated!! Besides, one pieces seem to accentuate my hour glass figure. I rock them!! ) catch a buzz, and map out my itinerary for the next few days. I checked into my hotel, made sure everything seemed kosher and safe for a single lady on an international travel. I walked down to the bar on the beach, ordered a vodka tonic and began flipping through the brochures.

A buzz and a sunset was a great start to a much needed get away in warmth. I looked down at my phone to check the time and thought, ‘Shit! I’d rather not head to up to my room and crash for the night just yet, I also don’t want to continue to drink or eat….hhhmmmm….guess it’s another round of swiping left and swiping right. Let’s see what Aruba has to offer’ Well, I came across a 6’0 Hispanic, handsome gentleman with a warm docile smile. Turns out it was his last night in town and he was staying at the hotel as well. He seemed to want what I wanted,  a casual conversation over coffee. SCORE!

We met in the lobby. This guy was tall, tanned, timid in his demeanor. You know, there’s something that turns me on about doing that to a man. Knowing that they find me attractive enough to trigger some prepubescent boyish behavior absolutely tickles me and yes, turns me on. We chatted. Ethan was a teacher from Southern Texas on a boy’s vacation. His buddy over did the drinks on the beach with no water (always a great idea!) and crashed early. He and I were thrilled with the opportunity to chit chat without a single sexual expectation. I love that!! I’m an odd ball I suppose, I enjoy the feelings and the experience of a connection that doesn’t always result in sex or other types of sexual activity. It allows for me to enjoy individual arousing feelings completely. Ethan and I stayed up until about 4 am exchanging playful banter. We said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.

It’s now Thursday, I’m ready to  sight see, drive around, and see what I get into tonight (yes I know this was suppose to be a spiritual vacation but …well….when in Aruba..). Animals have a special place in my heart so I went to the Donkey Sanctuary on the island. Donkeys were rescued from the streets after they were let lose when the Spaniards no longer needed them for transport. Here they are, living their days out getting fed, petted, and coochie cooed by people like me. I wrapped up, went inland looking for lunch and bumped into a interesting communication encounter. I couldn’t understand this lady that looked Asian but appeared to be speaking French. This island is really quite interesting due to the several languages spoken. Dutch, Papamento ( I have never heard of this before), English, French, Spanish, and Portugese are the main languages spoken. How freaking awesome! It’s audibly stimulating for sure.

Night time rolled around, I matched with a gentleman from Boston that was vacationing with family and friends. He seemed interested in meeting and of course I wasn’t opposed to the possibility of painting the town with a partner. Sam tells me where he’s at 297 Restaurant I look it up and start walking that way.  Now, I had it in my head that this was a mixed crowd of women/ men/ friends/ family and the group wasn’t committed to each other for the night. So imagine my surprise when I peeked around the bushes that surround the entrance to this restaurant bar when I see Sam accompanied by 11 fucking men! Yea, it dawned on me that it was a bachelor party….fucking A! I pride myself in being able to handle most situations with humor, poise, grace, and some rationality but this ….this really would put me on the spot. I turned around and walked to the adjacent bar and ordered a mimosa while I kicked around bailing on this dude. The very hot waiter from Amsterdam provided some small talk and great eye candy while he served my courage in a flute. I chugged it and decided that by the last swallow I’d follow through with whatever my gut told me.

I swallowed and Stayed! Fuck this, When in Aruba you take every chance to make this a story worth sharing. I confidently walked over in my curve hugging dress with my C’s perked up. I went to the bar and figured I’d play it cool by ordering my own drink and sizing up these mofo’s. These well put together seemingly white collar crowd  ranged from 30’s to late 40’s. They appeared to be harmless. Just a group of guys being pigs in Aruba :-P. Sam saw me, called me formally introduced himself and his Wu Tang Clan of 11!! They inadvertantly formed a half circle to size me up. I could feel the sweat form on the back of my neck and slowly make it’s way down to the small of my back. I don’t mind some attention but 11 fucking eyes estimating my breast size and wondering how smackable my ass was felt just a bit much. They all remained respectful and welcoming thankfully. We started drinking, and chatting, and drinking some more. A few had weed…yes please!! Party favors were ridiculously easy on the island so I was happy to get a hold of fun herbs.

We headed to Gusto, some men broke off to head towards another section of the island where there were plenty of hookers…I’m not judging! I should mention that quite a few of these men were married. So ladies, your husband, fiance, boyfriend  tells you they’re going on a boys trip you had better believe they’re going to be boys!

Gusto was the perfect transition!! It was crowded, it was island hot, it was crawling with good looking people and most importantly the music was sexy as fuck!! I hit it off with another guy from Sam’s group. Travis was a cutie!! He was buzzed and was getting quirkier by the drink. Let me tell you something, if it’s one thing that gets me hot and bothered, it’s personality. You can be ridiculously hot but if you’re as dull as a doorknob, I dry up and close up! Travis had me won over with our flirty buzzed backchat. We did shots ( something I rarely do), walked outside and  took a few puffs and enjoyed other party favors he then leans over and whipsers in my ear “I’m feeling good, let’s go grind like crazy”. I’m not sure why but that was one of the hottest motherfucking things I had heard in a while. I normally don’t dry hump at clubs but everything was perfect and I was having the most amazing fucking time ever!!

Travis and I decided to go to an after hours club we heard about. At this point, I really just wanted to have a hot make out session with this hottie. We entered The MIll which was about 3 miles from where we were. It was begining to fill up at 230am. However, something appeared a little different. I looked around and all the women looked uniformed, not in clothing but in bodies. They all had these massive asses and massive fake tits…hhhmmm. Then it dawned on me, this must be where some workers come to pick up easy targets. I chuckled as I turned around and watched a big ass big tittied scantly clad woman grind hard on Travis. Oh and her over the top sexualized facial expressions was really something! This guy gets our attention and says, ” If you want her, take her”, seeing our confused look he repeated, ” If you want her, take her for the night”. Travis and I replied, “Thank you but we’re good”. We both realized that sort of activity runs rampant there and we decided to leave. We caught a cab and as soon as he closed the doors we were sucking each other’s faces. Holy cow! How freaking hot!! He knew exactly how to run his fingers through my hair and tug, he knew exactly how to perform a tight, closed mouth kiss, fucking delicious!! I tugged on his ears, squeezing his ear lobe, running my hands behind his neck, pressing his chest closer to mine it was fucking hot!! But of course, I had to decline his suggestion to come back to my room. I just can’t get bring myself to have a one night stand. I can’t!! We went our separate ways and that was that. Hey now, I was completely satisfied with the night of sexy grinding along with a hot make out session.

I ended up meeting the group of guys for the next 2 nights, except for Travis. He ventured off with a couple of the other guys. Although many might deem some of these guys’ behavior as douchey due to the fact some of married ones removed their wedding bands in order to party, they were all very welcoming and respectful towards me. I’m grateful for that, 11 guys on a bachelor party vacation could easily get ugly but it was fun.

Aruba in itself is absolutely beautiful. Prisitine beaches, powder white sand, friendly locals, along with a decent nightlife make this place a revisit destination. There aren’t too many places I’d say that about. I’m a hit and quit kind of girl meaning I visit a place, max out on the experiences, and never visit again because there are just too many places to see on this planet.

Aruba was relatively inepensive flying out of Boston. I’m sure that’s applicable for the entire East Coast, especially FL.   The more I research on quick getaways from the NorthEast, the more I see a reason to move up here.

 

in Debauchery / Travel 0 comments
August 7, 2017  by

Boston, Massachusetts

Oh Boston. I was pretty excited to get out of my midwest home state to re-experience some North East sassiness so I agreed to an assignment in Massachusetts. Although I’m originally from the NE, I had never been to Boston. This city is crawling with money, start up companies, and it’s own fair share of debauchery. How does an innocent Sunday Brunch with a Korean ( first time ever going on a date with a Korean…or an Asian man for that matter) Turn into a flirt fest with everyone but him at a high end bar with well established older men ( my fav!) and several of us doing lines in the bathroom until way late for a school night. How??

I had gone on several dates with men that just ended up being frustrating. Again, how does NO mutate into Maybe in their head? How?? It was exhausting having to decline and reject their pawing. Figured I’d try and date girls to see if I can find a wingwoman as well as gal pal that wouldn’t mind putting on a strap on. Here I swipe right on Molly. She was very pretty with dark hair, flawless skin, and lazer blue eyes. Molly was killing it 44 yrs old!

We met for coffee and exchanged great fun and sassy banter. We finished up, we walked to my car, I lean in for an innocent hug, she turns it into a full blown make out session…lovely! I didn’t mind it at all, Molly was hot and I enjoyed discussing men, shopping, hair products, and now her. It really was sexy and a turn on to be desired by such a pretty woman.

We set a date for the following Thursday that included Mid morning yoga in downtown Boston followed by lunch at a busy cafe. We had a great yoga session, had a great lunch eyeballing the Boston Boys that rolled into the cafe. We spent a few entertaining hours there and Molly convinced me not to drive all the way home because I’d hit rush hour traffic. She suggested we return on the train to her place and wait it out until traffic subsides. I naively obliged.

We arrive at her place, light a joint, pour some wine and begin to chit chat. We’re stoned, she curls up next to me on her two person love seat and begins to run her fingers through my hair. I sit quietly enjoying the affection that is now heightened due to the weed. She leans in and we begin making out. Her lips are soft, I can taste her lip balm through the wine and smoke. I bring her closer to me in order to caress her back. She begins to unbutton my sweater. I pull away. I’m pretty conscious about fooling around without having been in the shower recently so I say, ” Aw Molly, I want to but I’d like to shower. ” Afterall, it had been a full day and a sweat session therefore, I’d like to be fresh. She responds, ” Pft! a shower? Ugh!! I hate showers!”

Me: “Huh? What do you mean?”

Molly: ” They’re such a hassle!! You’ve got to get undressed, lather, then you get out and you’re cold! I hate showers!! Hell! I waited until I was sure I was going to see you today in order to shower. If we weren’t going to hang out, I would’ve waited until maybe Saturday or Sunday, who knows!”

Me (completely thrown off): “When was the last time you showered?”

Molly: “Tuesday..and that’s only because my guy makes me shower before he comes over for sex.”

Me (thinking…it’s fucking Thursday!!): “Molly, your guy has to tell you to shower?”

Molly: “Yes! He knows I hate it and he even looks for evidence of a recent shower! Whatever, I walked around with his cum on me until this morning. ”

Me (thinking…..WHAT THE FUCK!): SILENCE

MOLLY: “My other guys don’t care.”

Me: “Other guys? how many are there?”

Molly: ” There’s the guy from Tuesday which I love having sex with because he loves anal as much as I do. There’s this other guy that’s bisexual and lets his boyfriend watch. There’s one other one who’s my last resort and then there’s Jerry. He’s my main guy. He’s into biting as much as I am. Look at these juicy marks he left on my back.” Molly turns on her phone on to show me several pictures of the bite marks on her back. WHAT THE FUCK?? I want to go rinse my mouth because I know she’s sucking a lot of dick!! Molly then looks at me and says, ” You have to let me bite you.”

Me: “Sign me up for HELL NO! The fuck you are Molly!”

Molly: “oh come on, it won’t be hard. Just a light break of the skin.”

Me: “LIght break of the SKIN!!??” “NO Molly! and that’s my que to leave. I’ve got to go”

Molly: “AW! Don’t leave! I won’t bite”

Me: I laugh because normally people say that as a joke…not this crazy bitch! I laugh some more and see myself to the door as quickly as possible.

I never saw her again. No showers, 4 dicks, and biting with light breaks of the skin are all deal breakers for me. I always knew women were crazy, I’m no walk in the park but damn! She’s off of her rocker! Here’s the kicker, she’s an esthetician and is a branch manager for a very well know make up, personal products store. Unreal!

 

in Debauchery / Travel / Uncategorized 0 comments
August 3, 2017  by

Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

Call me naive but I strongly feel that if I tell a man NO, guess what? It’s NO! I’m not changing my mind, in fact I can’t, my vagina is the one that calls the shots, not me! If she’s not warming up to the guy I’m currently entertained by then it’s not happening.

I met Mark in the city I lived in, coincidently, Mark was taking on a short term contract assignment within the same region of the US that I was going to be in for the winter. We agreed to touch base once we were both settled into our new living arrangements. I didn’t think anything of it and didn’t think I’d hear back. He seemed nice-ish but I just wasn’t getting hot and bothered over him.

New Year’s Eve was right around the corner, I was trying to put together another memorable NYE memory when Mark reaches out to me. Given that I wasn’t too excited about him, I placed him on the very back burner. I’m talking Rosa Parks back! He persisted and unfortunately any plans I had were falling apart quickly. Finally, I agreed to spend NYE with him as friends. Key phrase, ‘ AS FRIENDS’! He was insisted he wanted nothing more than a platonic outing and he insisted on paying for our trip to Toronto. Who am I to say no?

He shows up to my place the Thursday immediately before NYE and we start heading towards Toronto. Everything seems just peachy, he remains a gentleman but I quickly notice his flirting. I’m thinking, ‘ugh! fuck!! Now I’m stuck! SHIT!!!! ok, ok, No worries, take control of this situation Jessi’

We stay the night in Buffalo, NY, have dinner and head to a strip club. Yea yea I know I know, I’m trying to keep him away yet get him all stirred up. Well, I came to realize I need to find someone to screw him meanwhile keeping him away from me. I come up with this great story and say, “Mark, I don’t want to have sex with you because A) I came on this trip agreeing that it would remain platonic and B) I just got over having chlamydia a few weeks ago and I’m still absolutely horrified!! I mean, nothing scares you into abstinence like a STD! So, I will not have sex with anyone unless I have seen documentation of their results, I call to verify with the lab, and I am certain they haven’t been with anyone else. Ssssooooooo…… GOODNIGHT!” turned around, built a pillow fort and fell asleep.

I woke up early the next morning to Mark clicking away at his phone. Click click click click, ‘The fuck is he texting at this hour? Oh God, please let it be an escort! please let it be an escort’ I thought. He Jumps up from bed, puts on his pants, DOESN’T brush his teeth and says, ” I’ll be back before check out” and hurries out of the door. The man must’ve found something to bang, THANK GOODNESS! I’m happy, I shower and scrub to an oldie but goodie LL COOL J ‘Doin it’, I get dressed, slap on some lipgloss, and merrily walk down to the breakfast buffet. I have myself a few celebratory mimosas, read my awesome book, chit chat with some guests, and walk over to the lobby computers. I begin checking my email and searching for things to do in Toronto. I look over to my right and who is walking towards me with what appears to be a smug smile. Mark hands me some papers and begins showing me pictures of blood vials with his name on it, a urine cup with his name on it, and a receipt for about $200. This determined motherfucker found a lab ( a lab that was an hour away mind you) and got STD tested. He drove an hour to and an hour from the lab, paid $200, made sure to bring proof all in a few hours and with a dirty mouth! UGH! FUCK! Jessi!!!! I had to think quickly as he mentions, ” You look disappointed”. ‘Yea dude, I underestimated your determination to fucking get laid by me damnit’ I wanted to say but no, I handled this with poise and grace. “It’s sweet of you to do this Mark but as already mentioned, I thought we were keeping this platonic, now you’re really being persistent and besides, the results take a few days to come back. It’s a holiday weekend, you wont hear back until about the middle of next week”.

Men are so fucking weird, I’ve told him ‘No’ but yet he hears ‘Maybe’. The fuck is wrong with him?! Anyway, I didn’t really pay attention to whatever dumb response a lot of men give, ” oh but I’m clean, I get tested regularly, I’m safe…” blah blah blah. Yea, bullshit! I’m not falling for that!

We arrive in Toronto and his personality is getting on every last one of my nerves but I take this as an opportunity to better myself. His existence is annoying me, I can’t do much about that but I can definitely control and change the perspective of things on my end. I’ll nod, smile, and make the best of this free trip. In a continuing effort to get him laid I tell him that a lot of massage parlors in Canada are more than massage parlors. They’re more of a, you get what you pay for type deal. We find a parlor, find a girl, I’m excited to wait in the lobby while he gets his rocks off but yet he says he will only do this if I’m in the room. To which he needs to pay extra for a spectator. Listen, I’m not passing up the opportunity to be entertained and jeopardizing the chance of him not getting laid so I agree. Let me tell you that his technique is as lame as his personality. He has sex with this girl and it’s the most anti-climatic event I’ve ever witnessed. Man he’s pathetic! There’s really nothing to describe, he simply thrusts and was done in a few pumps. I’m sure it was the easiest $500 that girl has made in 15 minutes. Boy am I glad it wasn’t me! We wrap up and head towards a strip club which I have been dying to check out. I’ve heard Canadian strip clubs are awesome and yes, they sure were. The girls put on an actual show and most were great looking. No disappointments there that’s for sure!

Next day is NYE, we do some more site seeing and then get ready to head to the sex club. We walk into this place and it’s hot! It is hot and humid! What a way to get everyone undressed! A show is a about to start where there’s 5 girls and they’re all on the receiving end of a lesbian woman with 5 hand held dildos. She’s screwing them to the beat of one her favorite metal band tunes. Artsy I suppose. Mark and I spot 2 women checking us out. I immediately take a liking to the short haired brunette as did he. Luckily, she was eyeballing me more than she was looking at Mark. YAY! Her friend had an uncanny resemblance to the massage parlor girl Mark sort of had sex with the night before. She was eye banging him hard! YAY Again!! He notices the brunette’s friend ( a blonde) staring him down and he says to me, ” No Way am I taking one for the team!”. I laugh and say, ” Aw come on! Be a pal!”

Mark and I walk away and begin to eye flirt with the female couple. The brunette is pretty. If it’s one thing I like is getting hit on by pretty girls. It’s a total ego stroke for me which is refreshing from time to time. The duo finally come over and talk to us. The blonde immediately makes her claim on Mark, and the brunette begins chatting me up, playing with my long hair, and flirting. Some lite flirting is really the extent I’ve what I’d like to receive at these places. However, my buddy Mark is taking one for the team! FREAKING YAY!!!  In a short amount of time he quickly changes his tune and is now about to have sex with the blonde. The brunette and I have one of the most connecting and spiritual conversations I have had ever. It was exactly what I needed in light of a new spiritual journey I had embarked on recently. She also gave me molly which I didn’t take because it was too late… I’m giggling as I type this because you probably thought I was going to say that drugs from strangers is dangerous I’m sure. Well, they are but when adventuring, I adventure.

I couldn’t have been happier getting back to the hotel room ALONE!!!! I was super glad that Mark would finally get over pawing at me. Next morning I’m all packed up and ready to go, he arrives and gets ready as well. He has quite the pep in his step as do I. We hit the road! By this time, I’m excited to get back to my bed and get rid of this little pain in my ass. We argue a few hours on the way home because this son of a bitch would not stop playing around on his phone while he drives. Finally, I demanded he let me drive the rest of the way. I did, that was that. We arrived at my apartment late, I said my farewell dropping the hint that I wanted him to leave. He understood and left.

Two days later I’m finding great items on sale at the mall and get a phone call. It’s Mark. Although I hate phone calls and hate talking on the phone, I was curious to hear what he had to say because I was sure I’d never hear from him again. “HSV 1 and HSV 2 is what I tested positive for.” Is what he greeted me with..My response, ” Oh snap! You’ve got the Herp!” He proceeds to try and lecture me on my insensitivity to which I cut him off and inform him that this is noone’s fault but his own and hung up. I haven’t heard from him since.

Boy am I happy I didn’t like him! I would’ve now been a carrier of a the gift that keeps on giving…freaking Herpes!! I”m so happy I stuck to my guns.

in Uncategorized 0 comments
July 27, 2017  by

Cancun, Mexico

My first solo international trip ended up being a place I’m relatively comfortable with. I speak the language, I’m familiar with the Mexican ways and who says no to clear beaches, white sand, and easy drugs?

I’ve gotten into the fun habit of getting wrecked before flights. I mean, perscription downers are getting more and more difficult to come across so what’s left? Booze and weed! I boarded my plane stoned on edibles for the long term, smoke for the short term, and then began partying it up with some girls that were going to make bad decisions in Tulum . It ended up being a fun plane ride.

As soon as I arrived to Cancun, we were bombarded with sales personnel. One gentleman in particular must’ve spotted my blood shot eyes, my lost gaze, and my stumble from a mile away. He sold me a very cheap tour of the Cenotes, after all, that was the main purpose of my trip.

Somehow, I made it safe and sound to my very cool hotel sans cocaine balloons in my belly, sans waking up in an unexpected location, and sans genital soreness…WIN!

I wake up the next morning just mildly hungover ready to go on my Cenotes tour. I have my bathing suit on, I’m depicting action shots, I’m test driving my Go-pro. I’m ready to take so many pics that’re going to make all 80 of my FaceBook friends jealous!

A long white van with dark tinted windows appear. The man driving it is asking for me by name. I don’t question a damn thing and hop right into the van excited about these action shots. We’re driving in silence, I’m fidling with my phone, I’m looking forward to swimming in pristine waters.. what could possibly go wrong??

I look up and realize that we haven’t picked up anyone else which was odd for a ‘tour’ and we were heading deeper into the city. Finally I asked, ” Adonde vamos? (Where are we going?) Por aqui no parece que estan los cenotes ( the Cenotes don’t look like they’d be around here). ” Guy responds, ” no vamos a los cenotes, vas a una presentacion (we’re not going to the Cenotes, you’re going to a presentation)”. I yell, “Presentacion?!! THE FUCK?” Then it hit me, I was bamboozled into a motherfucking timeshare presentation. MOTHERFUCKER!

Ok, it’s all good, no worries here. If it’s one thing I’m good at is saying NO! I sit through this presentation just shaking my head, ‘ Way to go Jessica’ I think …’ Only you.’ Meh, I giggle to myself and continue to tell this young newly hired Ukranian girl NO! She then calls her manager and another friend. We begin chatting about everything except the timeshare. Finally the ladies say that they’re not interested in selling me anything and that I’m fun to talk to. I’m thinking, ‘ Oh My God! I really am as cool as I think’. Well, 7 hours later, 2 joints, and 2 bottles of champagne….I’m an owner of a $30,000 timeshare. Fucking A!!

Man O Man!! I slept the entire way back to the hotel foolishly carrying a packet of new owner paperwork. I’m up the next morning thinking WTF? Did that really happen? Yes it did bitches! Yes it did! The Cenotes tour was for real this time except I had a huge weight on my shoulders. I returned from the tour that I couldn’t thoroughly enjoy because I had a $30,000 debt hanging over my head. I turned that worry into determination! I was determined to read every detail on all 70 pages of the contract I signed. Sure enough, clause number 745,239,834 I had 5 days from the day of purchase to walk away from this deal without any financial penalties…YAY!!

It was a bit of a mission finding anyone at the hotel to take me to the location where the presentation was held. I began having the feeling that this little scheme was some sort of secret business that wasn’t to be spoken of. I managed to find the same driver and even he attempted to play dumb. That’s ok, I can always play hard ball. I bribed him. Incredible how good ol’ Jackson can stir someone’s memory. All of a sudden he remembered where the hotel was and who these people were. I show up ready to burn this place down! I hunted everyone I spoke to and told them they need to refund my money and to take their shit back! In the back of my head I feared being killed.. we all know how Mexicans just end missing and then turn up in oil barrels (that’s a true story) but luckily, everyone seemed fearful of my vicious rhetoric and returned my money. It all only took about 4 hours to speak to another team of people and  type up 2 sentences. Yes, they purposely gave me the run around. Those bastards!!  One of the biggest scams around for sure! Months later I’ was  charged $1000 at an Audi dealership in Indiana from this same account that I completely forgot about because I never used it. I neither own an Audi or had been in Indiana recently. Luckily, the bank investigated and I owe nothing. Lesson learned, don’t agree to anything when shitfaced!

I played it safe for the rest of my trip. I stayed at the hotel enjoying my weed and eating my feelings.

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July 27, 2017  by

Montreal, Quebec, Canada

I began embracing my own company by traveling alone. Turns out, I’m digging hanging out with myself. No one to babysit, no one to hear complain, no boyfriend sob stories ruining a girls trip. Most importantly, I nap when I want, I eat what I want, and I do what I want. Not a single soul has to know what I did or who whom I did it with. Greatest part is that a little more action tends to happen while traveling alone.

I love the fall therefore I booked a weekend getaway to Stowe, VT to check out mother nature’s farewell. I purposely didn’t book a hotel because I didn’t want to commit to returning to one place. I rented a SUV and brought a sleeping bag in my luggage. Yes I slept in the SUV and before you freak out, I did take safety measures such as not getting shit faced, I parked in populated areas, and showered at the gym. It was the best idea!! Stowe is a quaint little town beautifully inhabited by Sugar Maples, Beech, and Yellow Birch. These color bombs surrounded adorable New England style churches, shops, and bed and breakfasts. Even though the foliage had been delayed by an above average warm summer that was now running well into fall, this town was worth every moment of anxiety I had on the plane. Not booking a hotel or an airbnb was a little more ballsy than other things I had done.

I didn’t waste anytime getting on my dating app wondering who was going to show this adventurous gal around. Sure enough, ping! Got a match! Paul was a little older than me (exactly how I like ’em), educated with a doctorate in physical therapy ( Go HIM! ) and was able to text in complete sentences using proper grammar. Take my panties Paul! Kidding….buy me a drink first.

I opened up with, ” How adventurous are you?” He responds, ” Try me!” and oh boy wasn’t that the start to a fun weekend!! We met up, hit it off and made plans to head to Montreal for the weekend. My goal was to sight see and hit a great strip club since I have heard that Canadian strip clubs are Killah’ !! Yes I love strip clubs! I love people watching and being entertained. It doesn’t hurt when a really pretty girl hits on me too. That’s always a soft ego stroke.

Paul and I met up for drinks. I felt comfortable enough to head to his apartment where he delivered an amazing massage! Homeboy use to be a masseuse… a damn good one! Of course this led to making out and now me jerking him off which turned out to be quite the task. Who knew that masturbating an uncircumsized dick was different than one without a hoodie. Jeez! As a nurse I normally cringe at the sight of those. Why you ask? These motherfuckers forget to pull back their foreskin and clean the smegma! Good God! I’ve never been able to eat cottage cheese ever since clumps fell on my gloved finger 6 yrs ago. Now I’m a pro! I anticipate the worst and am always relieved at the best case scenario. Thankfully Paul, was super clean, not even a light funk. I thank all of my penis Gods for that one. He gave me a little masturbating tutorial on hooded dicks and voila his hand worked like a charm subsequently saving me a sore forearm.

We drove to Montreal, enjoying each other’s company and actually communicating like adults sharing stories and such. Dating is a little difficult these days. Guys seem rushed to get to the home run without covering all of the other bases first. I’m a lady, I take a little time. Paul and I arrived at the hotel settled for a bit, conversed some more and then I suggested a strip club, which of course, he was all in! As I was scrolling through my phone looking for a strip club I came across a sex club advertisement and thought, ‘ This would be so much better than a strip club’. I asked Paul whom of course was even more thrilled as it would be his first time at a sex club. YAY! I love inspiring people to try new things.

Paul and I had dinner and made our way  towards L’orage in Montreal. We walked in, paid our dues, and were quickly disappointed. The dance floor was empty with only about 4 couples. We decided to have a drink while we waited to see if it picked up. I happen to look to my right and saw a dark stairwell up with a sign that read, ” No drinks allowed”. I nudged Paul, looked over as we quickly sipped the last of our drink. To our realization, we came upon the hottest group of people enjoying their group frolic within complete comfort and without judgement. Now, I’m no stranger to sex clubs. I enjoy people watching without any discrimination and it has helped me become more comfortable with myself. Sex clubs are fun due to their immoral nature. Overall, society frowns upon them a bit and of course, that’s my draw to them. Besides, it’s so much easier to carry a conversation in one of these debaucherous places than in a normal setting. People tend to be a bit more……..free.

I navigated the crowd absolutely thrilled. I couldn’t believe these gorgeous women and these GQties. We went outside where Paul joined a few people in the hot tube, nude of course. Within minutes 2 girls were fooling around in the cage and summoned the company of a random guy. It was fun to watch this duo be pretty bold and ballsy. Yes yes, safe sex was practiced. There are condom bowls everywhere and I have seen more initiative taken towards safety than I have anywhere else. Paul and I made out a few times but like I said, I need a deeper connection to do the dirty. We wrapped up our weekend with some fun flirting and drove back towards VT.

Sex clubs sound dirty but they’re probably one of the cleanest and most respectful places I’ve been to. I’ve had more aggressive men get butthurt over a ‘NO’ in regular places than I have at a lifestyle club. If you’re looking for a quick thrill and a little dabbling of any kind, try one out. As with all things, do your research first.

 

 

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